Sad

I hope to have a happy post one of these days. Today it is not to be so.
I don't know what is going on with me and Rowan, but we have not been getting along. It makes me so sad, because it's not supposed to be this way. I don't want it to be this way. We have been arguing and not agreeing on things alot lately.
And to add to that his sleep has been even more erratic than it was before. It's so hard to figure him out and to get him on any type of schedule.
I'm going through some things personally, so I'm dealing with that also.
Life is just hard right now. That is all.

Tomorrow is another day...

Today was a horrible day. I know it was a combination of the fact that I was grumpy, Rowan was grumpy and we just got back from a weekend away. I'm beginning to wonder if any vacation, no matter how short, is worth it. We are all so out of sorts when we return.
At any rate, today sucked! Rowan and I did not get along at all. There was tons of stuff to do around the house - unpacking, washing clothes, making a menu, grocery shopping, etc, etc. And Rowan needed lots of attention.
A very rare day comes along where I just feel like I have nothing left to give, but I have no choice. My little boy doesn't understand that and demands my attention all the time. Today was one of those days.
I hate this negative post, but some days I just feel negative, I guess.
I just have to pray that tomorrow is a better day.

Parenting

I knew before I had my son that parenting would be difficult, but I didn't know to the degree. It is the most challenging and emotional thing that I've ever attempted. Every day I go over each decision and thing that I say to my little boy. I wonder how things I say and do affect him. Earlier this week we had an awful day. We fought and argued most of the day. That night he had trouble going to sleep. I tried and with no success (since apparently something had crawled up my butt that day and I had little patience for anything) and then Rion went upstairs to try. Rowan then proceeded to tell Daddy that "Mommy doesn't like me, she's angry with me". Rion told me what had happened and I cried for a long time. I never, ever want my son to feel this way-ever. And the fact that he's 2 and already had this feeling just tore my heart in two. I wanted to take back that day so badly and just hold him and treasure him like I should have. He deserves so much from me. He was afraid to be around me at that point-he wanted Daddy. What a horrible thing. I will be trying to forgive myself for a while for that one.
He is the most amazing person I've ever met. He has every good quality that I could ever want him to have. And he's only two! People come up to me on a daily basis and tell me how incredible it is that he talks so well. He smiles at complete strangers and tells them "Hello". He says "excuse me" and "I'm sorry" to people who nearly run over him in a hurry at the grocery store.
But still some days it is so hard to do my job. I have bad days and I still have to try to be a good Mom to my little miracle.
I just want what's best for him and so that makes me crazy sometimes, because I can't always give him my best (as evidenced by earlier this week). What do you do when you're having a hard day? How do you go on?

First Post

I've been feeling for a while like I need somewhere besides my journal (typing is much easier than writing) to put my feelings down. So here is my first post on my new blog.
Today was a pretty good day. Most every Friday Rowan goes to spend the day with his grandparents, so I have a free day. Today was fun because I went to the Sidewalk Sale at Peapods in Minneapolis. It was nuts, but it was fun to be there. I don't go very often. I was excited to find an item that I have been wanting for Rowan for a while now-The Learning Tower. What's cool about this particular one is that it belonged to the owners of Peapods, so it already has a great history and it was cheap! I also had been promising Rowan a new "big boy" Sigg cup, so i bought him one of those and a few other things. Most everything had been picked over.
I had some other stops to make, so it was a busy day.
Tomorrow it's off to church and Sunday we are going to make over our garage and get everything ready for the Garage Sale.